What are you doing?

What are you doing right now? I don't know how many times I've asked myself that question... Probably as many times as I've asked if you are wondering what I am doing right now. They say a clean break heals faster. They lie. It never heals. You learn to live with it, yes, but healing? There's no way... I know I will someday find someone new, but will he be better? Or will I always wonder what we could have been, had I not broken it? Probably. Yes. I will always wonder what you are doing right now.

Image cred: 365 days

And I can be so much better than you...

Don't wait

Sometimes all I want is to have you back

Sometimes all I want is to have you back

Loving you was like dancing on a meadow in the sunset

Loving you was like dancing on a meadow in the sunset. Loving you was like walking through a warm summer rain. Loving you was like never being alone, not even when no one was around. You were everything I needed. Once upon a time.

When you loose something you can't replace

I feel better already

I looked around. I made sure. I kicked some asses and felt better.

You are my home

Jade? Alexander?

Do you remember that day you fell out of my window?

I sure do, you came jumping out after me.

Well, you fell on the concrete and nearly broke your ass and you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you off to the hospital. Do you remember that?

Yes, I do.

Well, there’s something I never told you about that night.

What didn’t you tell me?

While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was going to be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you and I never told you ‘til just now.

Now I know.

I wanna be like a beach

I wanna be like a beach. A warm and calm place. Where people sometimes walk and leave trails. Some leave just footprints down by the water's edge, which are swept away by the next wave. Some build a sandcastle, which lasts a bit longer. But some have big bonfires high up where traces of broken beer bottles are found the next day. Broken pieces of glass. Broken pieces. If I was like a beach I could just wait for the next big storm to wash it all away. Then I could start anew. Smooth again, ready to see new people leave footprints on the beach in my mind.

I wish I could tell you:

and leave all bad things behind. I want you back badly, but not all of you. So let's run away from the bad parts. To a place where all is good and problems are like clouds. Hovering for a moment and then swept away with the wind.

Not just any song

Listening to this song makes me think of you (of course I am already, but still...). If I close my eyes I can almost see you sitting next to me nodding your head to the beat of the music. If I concentrate hard, I can feel your weight on my bed next to me. Every beat speaks to me, as if they were words. From you. That's how much this song reminds me of you.

Sometimes I just wanna tell you

but then, I don't.

But every time I try to move on, you're right there

Stars above us

I can't remember when I first met you. Feels like you've always been there. But I do remember the first time when I thought about you. Really thought about you. It was at night when I was trying to fall asleep. It was as if you were a mellow tune or kind words someone whispered in my ear. I don't know how it happened but one second I wasn't thinking about you, then the next I was. All of a sudden you were there, and after that you never left. Since that night you've always been on my mind, directly or indirectly.

We were friends at first. Buddies, you and I. Along with others we shared the adventures of warm summers. There was another girl for you and another boy for me. We couldn't be more than buddies, nor did we want to. I wonder now, did you ever think of me in that way? Did I ever think of you that way? I don't think I did. Not until that one night.

It was after that evening on the beach. We had a small bonfire. Me, you and the rest. We all had too much to drink. You even more. As usual. I will never stop wondering: if things hadn't turned out the way they did that night, would I ever had had you? If those guys from your college that you didn't like wouldn't have come by, that one guy would never had offended you. I didn't know back then how much his words hurt you. If they hadn't come, you two wouldn't have gotten in to that fight. You wouldn't have run off, I wouldn't have been the one finding you. You cried. That was the first time I ever saw you not smiling. And it got to me. Obviously.

And then, when I was lying in my bed staring at the glow-in-the-dark-stars in my ceiling, suddenly you were there. In my head. And you never left. And you never will. No matter if I am in yours. Or not.

My dream you

Waking up I miss you again. My body remembers the weight of your arm wrapped around me but my mind knows it's not there. My dreams are still vivid, but as the day progresses I will forget about them. So today I'll write one down, while it still feels like it happened, like you were actually there.

It's only a short segment that is still clear, the rest has already blended out with the light sneaking in through my curtains. But there was a parking lot, a big empty parking lot. It was in the middle of the day and the sun stood high. I felt lonely and unsafe even though my eyes detected nothing to be afraid of. Then I ran from something, and I felt the panic as something grabbed me. But when I turned around, it was you. All bad feelings melted away like ice in the sun. Your face told me it was okay, that everything was gonna be alright. You always did that, spoke without saying anything, dream or no dream...
Then I was in your arms. You carried me like I was a damsel in distress from some silly fairy tale. But I didn't feel silly. I had my hand on your chest and leaned my face in the hollow of your neck. You smelled like you, even in my dream. I felt safe, and not so alone.

Somehow I feel like you dreamt it too. How can you not have, when it felt that real...?

Photo: Aubry Aragon

At night I am without you

I always dread when night draws closer. It means the day is over and the bed awaits. This is when I miss you the most. No bed is ever warm enough. Cause you're not in it. All beds are too big, no matter their size. Cause you're not in it. But the dream I dream by night, no matter how cold or empty the bed is, it the best part of my day. Cause you're in it.

Bits and pieces

Letting you go was the hardest thing I had to do. Ever.
I did it for myself, even though it meant ripping my chest wide open. It will heal. I pray it will.
Closing the door to you I left bits of myself behind. They are stuck with you forever. Like missing pieces in a puzzle I will never be whole again without the bits, without you. You will forever remain the only thing that can heal me, so I will forever remain broken.
But that's ok. I will learn to live again. I will complete the puzzle as far as it goes, and although there will always be pieces missing, in time, I will forget about them. The empty spaces will fade into the wholeness and become a part of the puzzle. As if it was meant to be incomplete. As if I was made with bits and pieces missing. As if you never once filled them, and as if they never went missing.

Just another love story

I wont lie to you. This is just another love story. Insignificant to most. But not to me, and not to him. Even though he forgets about it more than he remembers it. But I can remember for both of us. I will remember for us both.